A bloke was in the bar and spotted a good looking sheila.
He made a few attempts to get her attention and was quite surprised when she turned around, looked him straight in the eye and she said, "Listen here mate, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, .. . it doesn't matter to me. I've been screwing people ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm in parliament too. What State are you from?"

How to say "I Love You" in ten different languages:
English: I Love You
Spanish: Te Amo
French: Je T'aime
German: Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu
Italian: Ti Amo
Chinese: Wo Ai Ni
Swedish: Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian: As Tave Meliu
Northern Territory, Australia: Nice Tits! Get in the Truck!

Bruce and Sheila wanted to join the church's local parish.
The priest told them, We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'
Bruce moaned about the idea of not getting a root for a whole month but Sheila insisted that they could do it.
So they agreed, but after only two-and-a-half weeks they returned to the church.
When the priest ushered them into his office, Sheila was crying and Bruce was obviously very depressed….
'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest enquired.
We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' Bruce replied sadly.
The priest calmly asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult…. however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we still managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, watching live Parliamentary sittings, prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts……. then one afternoon Sheila reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just rooted her right then and there. I absolutely shagged her brains out for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted Bruce, shamefacedly.
The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome here at our parish.'
&39; said Bruce, hanging his head, 'and they told us the same thing at Bunnings.'

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.....

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on the plane from Cairns to Perth.
That's a very long flight so in the end the lawyer decides to make some conversation and asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention, and- to keep him quiet- she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Bruce was walking down the street on his way to the pub when he saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. He shouted up to him "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Three black ladies are getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time in their life..
The first lady said, 'I don't know bout youse but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties before I get on that plane.'
'Why you gonna wear them for?' the other two asked.
The first replied, 'Coz, if that plane goes down and I'm out there laying butt-up in a cornfield, they gonna find me first.'
The second lady said, 'Well, I'm gonna wear some fluro orange panties.'
'Why you gonna wear them?' the others asked.
The second lady answered, 'Cause if this bloody plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the sea, they can see me first.'
The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties.....'
'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says, 'That's right mate, you heards me right. I ain&39; any panties, 'coz if any plane goes down they always look for the black box first!

A sheila walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to do her taxreturn.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"No worries, he says, chicken farmer it is."

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking...Scared me. So that's it! After today, no more reading.

An elderly bloke was invited to an old mate's home for dinner one evening.
He was amazed by the way his mate preceded every request to his missus with endearing terms such as: Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc..
The couple had been married almost 50 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
When the missus went back to the kitchen to get more beers for the blokes, the old bloke leaned over to his host, and said: "I think it's mucking afazing that, after all these years, you still call your missus those loving pet names."
The old bloke hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, -- and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is."