Юли Gillard boyfriend Tim Mathieson имеет обыкновение делать по утрам пробежку. каждый раз на соседнем углу он вит проститутку, так кричит: "$250 за услуги". Что бы от нее отделаться он каждый раз отвечает: " нет , только $5". и так каждый день. Юля однажды решила пробежаться с ним как то утром. Пробегают мимо проститутки и так *ржет: "вот видишь что ты можешь поиметь за $5"!!!!

Two Kiwis are walking down a street in Sydney.
One of the Kiwis happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said: "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair".
The Kiwi says to his mate, " look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to New Zealund we could make a fortune!
Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us, so I'll speak in my best Aussie accent."
They enter the shop and the Kiwi says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my ute and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts. "You're from New Zealund, aren't you?"
"Well... Yes," says the surprised Kiwi. "How the hell did you pick that?"
The shop owner replied, "This is a bloody dry cleaners, mate!

Австралийская попчта выпустила новую марку с портретом Юлии, но очень быстро пришлось отозвать весь тираж так как люди начали жаловаться что марка плохо приклеивается к конверту. премьерша потребовала полного расследования. После месячного исследования потратив $1.73 миллионов специальная королевская комиссия опубликовала выводы:
1. марка изготовлена качественно.
2. все ОК с клеем.
3. люди плюют не на ту сторону марки.

Bruce and Robbo are in the pub, having a drink and discussing the many health benefits of beer.
Bruce says: Look Robbo, this is how it works mate:
A mob of kangaroos can only move as fast as the slowest roo. And when the mob is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the mob as a whole, because the average speed and health of the whole mob keeps improving by the elimination of the weakest members.
In exactly the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we all know, intake of alcohol kills your brain cells. But naturally, it attacks your slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making your brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Robbo, is why you always feel much smarter after a coupla beers !

A bloke was in the bar and spotted a good looking sheila.
He made a few attempts to get her attention and was quite surprised when she turned around, looked him straight in the eye and she said, "Listen here mate, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, .. . it doesn't matter to me. I've been screwing people ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm in parliament too. What State are you from?"

How to say "I Love You" in ten different languages:
English: I Love You
Spanish: Te Amo
French: Je T'aime
German: Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu
Italian: Ti Amo
Chinese: Wo Ai Ni
Swedish: Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian: As Tave Meliu
Northern Territory, Australia: Nice Tits! Get in the Truck!

Bruce and Sheila wanted to join the church's local parish.
The priest told them, We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'
Bruce moaned about the idea of not getting a root for a whole month but Sheila insisted that they could do it.
So they agreed, but after only two-and-a-half weeks they returned to the church.
When the priest ushered them into his office, Sheila was crying and Bruce was obviously very depressed….
'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest enquired.
We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' Bruce replied sadly.
The priest calmly asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult…. however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we still managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, watching live Parliamentary sittings, prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts……. then one afternoon Sheila reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just rooted her right then and there. I absolutely shagged her brains out for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted Bruce, shamefacedly.
The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome here at our parish.'
&39; said Bruce, hanging his head, 'and they told us the same thing at Bunnings.'

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.....

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on the plane from Cairns to Perth.
That's a very long flight so in the end the lawyer decides to make some conversation and asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention, and- to keep him quiet- she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Bruce was walking down the street on his way to the pub when he saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. He shouted up to him "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"