Где-то в полдень мужик встает с дивана с глубокого похмелья, очень долго ищет тапочки, надевает их, очень медленно, еле поднимая ноги идет на кухню.
Проходя мимо клетки с попугаем снимает с нее (с клетки) покрывало, заходит на кухню достает из холодильника пиво, медленно с наслаждением пьет, идет обратно. Проходя мимо клетки с попугаем накидывает на нее покрывало, ложиться на диван и засыпает.
Голос из клетки — офигенно день прошел!!!|-)

Встречаются два еврея; * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * -Абраша ты что несешь в таком бутеле? * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Мочу,,, * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * А куда ? * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * На анализ,,, * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * А зачем так много? * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *А что мне жалко. Через некоторое время опять встречаются;Абраша ты зачем несешь мочу обратно? * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * В моей моче обнаружили сахар ,что я поц им отдавать?

Два кума украинца сидят в лесополосе бухают. летает над полем кукурузник опыляет поле, вдруг его занесло и он рухнул на дом и обламал балкон.
- кум ты видел?
- да.
- ну и шо?
- какая страна - такой и теракт.

Американец решил написать книгу о церкви и задумал объездить много церквей для этой цели. Он объездил десятки церквей в Америке и в каждой видел золотой телефон с надписью " цена звонка $10 000". все священники ему объясняли что это прямой телефон в рай и по нему можно позвонить напрямую к Богу. затем он попал в Австралию и в церкви увидел такой же телефон но с надписью: "цена звонка 50 центов". Он спросил у священника: " почему в Америке $10 000 а здесь всего 50 центов?." Тот ответил " это звонок на праямую в рай к Богу". Американец: " а почему так дешево?" Священник: "мужик ты в АВСТРАЛИИ!!!! это местный звонок"

Правительсво Австралии с премьершей *Julia Gillard решило раздобыть немного денег для покрытия недостатка в бюджете и объявило общенациональную лотерею. все население купило лотерейные билеты. В день розыгрыша все собрались на огромной лужайке и жюри обявляет выигрывшего 3 приз: *"3 приз - Круиз вокруг мира на лайнере", победитель очень рад. Жюри объявляет 2 приз: " 2 приз - яблочный пирог", победитель недоволен!!! Он кричит что 2 приз должен быть лучше 3, жюри объясняет: "это пирог оспеченный Премьершей *Julia Gillard". мужик кричит: "е..ть я хотел *Julia Gillard". Жюри: " тебе нельзя так как ке это 1 приз"

"Священник: "мужик ты в АВСТРАЛИИ!!!! это местный звонок", * * * *Евгений, 100%(Y) (Y) (Y)

ответила другу Евгений Киселев
Евгений ..а на английском нет ? я бы мужу показала ..а то ,боюсь мой перевод он не поймёт ? особенно про второй приз..:-D

Для садящихся в аеропорту Внуково... Хулиганы ослепляют лазерным лучем пилотов на посадке..Етих самых хулиганов не возможно вычислить.*-) ;-)

Eto ochevidno mezhdunarodnaya "razvlekalka". U nas v Sydnee v proshlom mesyatse

Australian government headed by J. Gillard is trying to raise some money to cover a hole in a budget by organizing huge national lottery. The draw is announced on the lawn of government house. "3rd prize - is a round the world trip on a cruise ship!" -crowd goes wild,happy winner is in tears. " 2nd prize - is an ... Apple pie!" -the crowd is slightly muted, the winner is surprised and annoyed "What the hell? Apple pie?!". The announcer: "Sir, you don't understand,this pie is baked by Julia Gillard HERSELF". The winner: " This is bullshit! F..CK Julia Gillard !"The announcer: "Sorry,mate,you can't - this IS A FIRST PRIZE"

лилия слышала звон да не знает где он
домодедово и шереметьево а также аэропорты ростова на дону томса и новосибирска 30 случаев ослепления лазерной указкой за прошедший год
в швейцарии в связи с сотнями подобных случаев лазерные указки запретили продавать еще в прошлом году

<IMG height=241 alt="it is bloody dry in victoria" src="***********.amazingaustralia.com.au/animals/pictures/koala-drinking-s.jpg" width=300>

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you gonna fly somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

A Sydney blonde was so depressed that she decided to endher life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge.
She went to the bridge and was about to leap into the water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food everyday."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away" she explained. "I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain replied "this is the bloody Manly Ferry".

Как узнать кто тебя больше любит твоя жена или твоя собака? Очень просто!!!!! Засунь обеих в багажник твоей машины и выпусти их оттуда через 2 часа. Кто из них будет тебе больше рад?

Водитель Премьерши Квинсленда Анны Блай вез ее в маленький городок на конференцию. По дороге он сбил старую корову. Анна говорит: "нехорошо как то, вон там ферма , это наверное их корова, пойди извинись, а я пока посижу в машине, поразмыслю каким бы еще налогом обложить насление родного штата." водитель
ушел и через 2 часа вернулся вдрызг пьяный.
Анна - ну что такое, почему так долго и почему пьян?
Видила - я им сказхал что я твой водитель и что я убил старую корову.
Они так обрадовались что начали праздновать и поить меня благодарая за содеянное.

Австрал увидел объявление в газете о продаже энциклопедии Британика 26 томов по очень дешевой цене потому что хозяину она больше не нужна. Он позвонил давшему объявление и спросил почему не нужна энциклопедия? тот говорит: "я недавно женился
на руссксой, она знает все!!!!

A crusty old bikie was out on a long ride through the outback.
He pulls up to a pub in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
MEAT PIE: $2.10
SAUSAGE ROLL: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
The old bikie walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive sheila who is serving beers to a couple of sun-wrinkled old farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The old bikie leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the only one around here who gives the hand jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, sure I am, I do everything around here".
The old bikie leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, go and wash your hands real bloody good then, cause I want a cheeseburger".

Пталаогоанатом и гинеколог выходят из клиники после работы
паталогоанатом - Посмотри!!! вокруг люди!!! ЖИВЫЕ!!!!
гинеколог - и лица, лица!!!!!

There once was a bloke who had worked hard all his life, never went to the pub and had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his cash.
Just before he died, he said to his wife,"When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife.
"I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque....

Юли Gillard boyfriend Tim Mathieson имеет обыкновение делать по утрам пробежку. каждый раз на соседнем углу он вит проститутку, так кричит: "$250 за услуги". Что бы от нее отделаться он каждый раз отвечает: " нет , только $5". и так каждый день. Юля однажды решила пробежаться с ним как то утром. Пробегают мимо проститутки и так *ржет: "вот видишь что ты можешь поиметь за $5"!!!!

Two Kiwis are walking down a street in Sydney.
One of the Kiwis happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said: "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair".
The Kiwi says to his mate, " look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to New Zealund we could make a fortune!
Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us, so I'll speak in my best Aussie accent."
They enter the shop and the Kiwi says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my ute and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts. "You're from New Zealund, aren't you?"
"Well... Yes," says the surprised Kiwi. "How the hell did you pick that?"
The shop owner replied, "This is a bloody dry cleaners, mate!

Австралийская попчта выпустила новую марку с портретом Юлии, но очень быстро пришлось отозвать весь тираж так как люди начали жаловаться что марка плохо приклеивается к конверту. премьерша потребовала полного расследования. После месячного исследования потратив $1.73 миллионов специальная королевская комиссия опубликовала выводы:
1. марка изготовлена качественно.
2. все ОК с клеем.
3. люди плюют не на ту сторону марки.

Bruce and Robbo are in the pub, having a drink and discussing the many health benefits of beer.
Bruce says: Look Robbo, this is how it works mate:
A mob of kangaroos can only move as fast as the slowest roo. And when the mob is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the mob as a whole, because the average speed and health of the whole mob keeps improving by the elimination of the weakest members.
In exactly the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we all know, intake of alcohol kills your brain cells. But naturally, it attacks your slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making your brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Robbo, is why you always feel much smarter after a coupla beers !

A bloke was in the bar and spotted a good looking sheila.
He made a few attempts to get her attention and was quite surprised when she turned around, looked him straight in the eye and she said, "Listen here mate, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, .. . it doesn't matter to me. I've been screwing people ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm in parliament too. What State are you from?"

How to say "I Love You" in ten different languages:
English: I Love You
Spanish: Te Amo
French: Je T'aime
German: Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu
Italian: Ti Amo
Chinese: Wo Ai Ni
Swedish: Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian: As Tave Meliu
Northern Territory, Australia: Nice Tits! Get in the Truck!

Bruce and Sheila wanted to join the church's local parish.
The priest told them, We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'
Bruce moaned about the idea of not getting a root for a whole month but Sheila insisted that they could do it.
So they agreed, but after only two-and-a-half weeks they returned to the church.
When the priest ushered them into his office, Sheila was crying and Bruce was obviously very depressed….
'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest enquired.
We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' Bruce replied sadly.
The priest calmly asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult…. however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we still managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, watching live Parliamentary sittings, prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts……. then one afternoon Sheila reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just rooted her right then and there. I absolutely shagged her brains out for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted Bruce, shamefacedly.
The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome here at our parish.'
&39; said Bruce, hanging his head, 'and they told us the same thing at Bunnings.'

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.....

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on the plane from Cairns to Perth.
That's a very long flight so in the end the lawyer decides to make some conversation and asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention, and- to keep him quiet- she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Bruce was walking down the street on his way to the pub when he saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. He shouted up to him "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Three black ladies are getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time in their life..
The first lady said, 'I don't know bout youse but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties before I get on that plane.'
'Why you gonna wear them for?' the other two asked.
The first replied, 'Coz, if that plane goes down and I'm out there laying butt-up in a cornfield, they gonna find me first.'
The second lady said, 'Well, I'm gonna wear some fluro orange panties.'
'Why you gonna wear them?' the others asked.
The second lady answered, 'Cause if this bloody plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the sea, they can see me first.'
The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties.....'
'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says, 'That's right mate, you heards me right. I ain&39; any panties, 'coz if any plane goes down they always look for the black box first!

A sheila walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to do her taxreturn.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"No worries, he says, chicken farmer it is."

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking...Scared me. So that's it! After today, no more reading.

An elderly bloke was invited to an old mate's home for dinner one evening.
He was amazed by the way his mate preceded every request to his missus with endearing terms such as: Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc..
The couple had been married almost 50 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
When the missus went back to the kitchen to get more beers for the blokes, the old bloke leaned over to his host, and said: "I think it's mucking afazing that, after all these years, you still call your missus those loving pet names."
The old bloke hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, -- and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is."

Bruce to his mate: I love to watch my wedding video in reverse. I especially love the part where she takes her ring off and
walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off.

Bruce and Sheila had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their mates, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, Bruce decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
Bruce sat quietly for a moment, had another sip of his beer, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'

АВСТРАЛИЯ. Институт экономики и мира опубликовал исследование о глобальном «индексе миролюбия» за период с 2007 по 2011 год. В первую десятку самых миролюбивых стран вошли Исландия, Новая Зеландия, Япония, Дания, Чехия, Австрия, Финляндия, Канада, Норвегия, Словения. По этому показателю Россия занимает 147-е место из 153. Австралия - 18 место, Великобритания - 26. Индекс учитывает различные факторы, в том числе уровень насилия в стране и ее международные отношения.
Таблицу можно посмотреть тут
********gtmarket.ru/ratings/global-peace-index/global-peace-index-info

почему не нужна энциклопедия? тот говорит: "я недавно женился на руссксой, она знает все!!!!
Вот ведь,а у нас 60 томов этой Британики...надо будет продать,чего зря пылиться...пусть Австралы хоть расширяют свой кругозор,что лЬ*-) :-D

2 блондинки нашли на дороге пудренницу. Одна открыла, смотрит в зеркальце и говорит
- ух ты!!! знакомая фотография..
Другая посмотрела и говорит:
- дура!!! так это же я.

а про блондинов анекдот
стоит на посту гаец- блондин....останавливает блондинку
Ваши права
Та роется в сумке--ни хрена найти не может--- подает *какую-то ихнююю штуковину--тушь ..пудреницу--
Блондин ---
-Ну что вы сразу не сказали, что вы тоже * *милиционэр!!!!