For too long, present-giving has been held hostage by the whims ofthis single man who is accountable to no one. Bearded, obese, andprobably mentally unstable, Santa is someone we obviously don’t wantnear our children. He’s even somehow associated with known malcontentJesus Christ (I’m not quite sure who he is, but I remember JeremiahWright mentioning him once or twice so I assume he has something to dowith the creation of the AIDS virus).
Every year, Santa engages in some sort of domestic spying program,watching our children like a pedophile in wait, and he determines whichchildren are “naughty” or “nice.” His methods for determining this areunknown; we also can’t know whether there is a racial disparity inthese lists. He then makes his presents for the select few usingnon-union elf labor and comes to our neighborhoods in an unregisteredsleigh pulled by disease-bearing caribou.